Today is the day. I have to be at my oncologist's office at 11 AM this morning to start the first chemo treatment. I saw the room where I'll be going at my last doctor's appointment. It's a fairly large room and it has a row of chairs all lined up, probably about 8-10 of them. Each chair has a small flat screen TV above it. There's a table filled with snacks. There's a bathroom right there so you don't have to walk far.
I don't want to go. But I know I have to. There really isn't any other choice in the matter. Period. End of story. I don't want to talk about MY journey with anyone else right now OR listen to anyone else's story of cancer. It reminds me of sitting on an airplane and not wanting to get into conversation with the stranger sitting next to you. I have an assortment of books ready. Oh, it's not that I'm uncaring - I'm a compassionate person. I just don't feel like talking or listening today. I'm just being honest. I want to go there, put in my time and get out. Three hours - hope it goes quickly.
I've gotten somewhat used to having the med-port underneath my collarbone. I can see it. I can feel it, especially if I turn my head a certain way or lift my arm up. It's a strange sensation. I think of being hooked up to that IV this morning, being pumped full of those powerful drugs that have unpleasant side effects. I think of losing my hair. That reality is creeping closer and closer. I thought I was ready for it, more prepared. Then I realize how much I'm not. A bald head. Hmmm, I can't quite picture that.
My anti-nausea prescriptions are all ready. I have a weak stomach. I'm praying I don't throw up. I'm praying the medicine will work...and quite quickly, at that. I'm praying I'm one of those people who doesn't get knocked right down by chemo. I don't like laying around on the couch. I've always been so strong and active. This is so hard to face...
Thank you for your warm thoughts and prayers. They all mean so much to me. I believe they've made all the difference in the world. Please leave me a comment, even if you usually don't. I would really love to meet you.